There’s a motive a number of the deepest, most complicated interpersonal clashes occur between FPs (Introverted Feeling sorts) and FJs (Extraverted Feeling sorts). On the floor, it seems like you need to get alongside simply high-quality. You’re each feelers. You each care deeply about folks. You each cry throughout unhappy film montages, particularly if a canine is concerned.
However then—increase. All of the sudden you’re caught in a dialog that seems like a logic puzzle written by an emotionally conflicted raccoon. Certainly one of you is speaking about private fact, the opposite about group concord and doing the suitable factor, and no person’s making eye contact anymore.
So what’s happening right here?
Let’s dive in.
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7 Causes Why FPs and FJs (Could) Conflict
1. Authenticity vs. Appropriateness
FJs are sometimes fluent in “social grace.” They know when to smile, when to consolation, when to softly redirect the dialog away from somebody’s weirdly intense monologue about flat earth principle. This isn’t pretend—it’s strategic kindness.
Fi sorts prioritize authenticity over diplomacy. In the event that they don’t imply it, they gained’t say it. In the event that they do say it, they imply it, and sure, it would ruffle some feathers, however no less than it’s trustworthy, okay?
FJs might even see FPs as blunt or impolite.FPs might even see FJs as pretend or pandering.
Each simply need to make the world a bit of kinder. They simply disagree on the right way to get there typically.
2. Speaking It Out vs. Processing Alone
FJs: “Hey, I’m feeling bizarre about what occurred earlier. Can we discuss it so I don’t shrivel right into a raisin of hysteria?”FPs: “I haven’t absolutely found out how I really feel but. Please cease making an attempt to get inside my mind earlier than I’ve completed rearranging the furnishings.”
Fe-users usually need to course of emotions by way of speaking—collaboratively, socially, with suggestions. This isn’t drama. It’s survival.
Fi-users, in the meantime, course of emotions internally. Like deep-sea divers, they should descend, sit with it, really feel all of the murk, and are available again with some sort of artifact: “Right here. That is what I discovered. Now I’m able to share.”
To an FJ, that wait seems like emotional abandonment. To an FP, untimely speaking seems like somebody poking at a wound earlier than the bleeding stops.
Cue the misunderstanding montage.
3. One Wears Their Emotions. The Different Lockboxes Them.
FJs are inclined to look extra emotional. They’re all about responsiveness, they usually react in actual time to the emotional modifications occurring round them. For those who’re unhappy, they’re mentioned. For those who’re overjoyed, they’re getting overvalued with you. They appear to only know the right way to get right into a “vibe” with folks.
FPs? They’re extra like emotional ninjas. You suppose they’re high-quality till they vanish within the night time with a journal and that quill pen they crafted themselves beneath a full moon. Certain, ENFPs and ESFPs are fairly responsive folks. They like to brainstorm or provide you with thrilling actions to do. However in relation to their private feelings? Their emotions are deep, typically volcanic, however they’re extra quiet and private. They’ll solely share them with a trusted few, and once they do share them, they’ve already spent a while processing them.
So the FJ thinks, “Why don’t they care? Why aren’t they sharing their emotions with me as they occur?”And the FP thinks, “Why are they making a scene about that? Why are they pushing me to share one thing that’s my very own private enterprise?”
4. Values: Common vs. Private
FJs usually measure values based mostly on what’s going to create probably the most peace and profit for the group. “Is this sort? Is this useful? Is that this going to trigger a bizarre pressure that ruins the potluck?”
FPs measure values based mostly on inside consistency. “Does this really feel genuine to me? Is that this aligned with my fact, even when no person else understands it or agrees?”
So when a battle arises, the FJ would possibly say, “You may’t say that, it’ll harm somebody’s emotions,” whereas the FP thinks, “However I’ve to say it or I’m betraying myself.”
To the FJ, the FP is being egocentric.To the FP, the FJ is being pretend.
5. The Timing Is Off
FJs usually need to resolve battle now. Feelings are out, wires are crossed, the vibes are off—let’s repair it earlier than somebody cries in a Pastime Foyer.
FPs need time. House. Silence. They should really feel by way of the storm earlier than they know what they even suppose.
So the FJ initiates a “fast” speak that turns right into a twelve-hour existential showdown. The FP shuts down, not as a result of they don’t care, however as a result of they’re being requested to play emotional chess whereas underwater.
Timing issues. And Fe-Fi timing? Usually tragically off.
6. The Nice Vanishing Act (That FJs Take Personally and FPs… Don’t)
FJs are the kind to maintain the emotional porch gentle on. They like regular, open communication—check-ins, little updates, coronary heart emojis in texts. They don’t want each day remedy periods, however they do admire consistency. A relationship, to an FJ, is one thing you water repeatedly. In the event that they don’t hear from you shortly, they assume one thing’s mistaken. Did I say one thing? Are you mad? Are we… not buddies anymore?
When FJs are going by way of one thing, they usually attain out to others to speak about it. That is very true of ENFJs and ESFJs. INFJs and ISFJs want a bit of house, then they attain out to speak. However they pretty rapidly get again to tending their relationships and reminding their folks that they’re there they usually care.
In the meantime, FPs are disappearing into the mist like emotionally overwhelmed forest elves.
They’re not mad. They’re not avoiding you. They’re simply… doing what they should do: finding out their very own tangled mess of emotions, obligations, issues, artistic spirals, and determining who they’re and the right way to align the whole lot in order that they really feel like they’re doing what’s proper.
When life will get heavy, Fi-users instinctively flip inward. Speaking earlier than they’ve made sense of what’s happening inside feels mistaken—like making an attempt to serve soup that’s nonetheless uncooked onions and lukewarm water.
In order that they don’t attain out. They don’t reply. They hit “draft” on a textual content after which vanish for six weeks. And to them? That’s simply how life goes. They assume you’ll perceive. They assume you’ll nonetheless be buddies once they re-emerge with a semi-formed perception and possibly a brand new haircut.
To FJs, although, the silence seems like a gradual ghosting. Just like the friendship is fading out and no person needs to say it.To FPs, it’s only a time skip. Like in a novel. “Chapter 17: We’re nonetheless buddies, proper?”
Nobody’s making an attempt to harm anybody. They simply converse totally different dialects of connection. One says, “Preserve the road open.”The opposite says, “I’ll name after I’m prepared to speak.”
Each are attempting to care. The indicators simply get scrambled.
7. Repair the Feeling vs. Really feel the Feeling
Right here’s a biggie.
FJs usually need to repair emotions—make issues higher, ease the discomfort, “speak it out” and get to decision. Bringing the whole lot again to an aura of positivity is essential.
FPs? They need to really feel the sensation. Sit in it. Let it marinate like an angsty emotional stew till it is smart. The purpose isn’t to resolve the sensation, it’s to know it. Feeling rushed to maneuver previous the sensation right into a “completely satisfied place” can really feel like a slap within the face to an FP.
When an FJ tries to repair, they danger invalidating the FP’s course of.When an FP refuses to speak, they danger making the FJ really feel deserted or unimportant.
Each are simply making an attempt to assist. Neither feels helped.
So What Do We Do About It?
As a result of let’s be actual—a number of the most stunning relationships are between FJs and FPs. Once they get one another, they create magic: empathy that’s each deep and large, ardour that’s grounded in actual care, and values which might be lived out in each day motion. However it takes some bridge-building.
Listed below are a number of ideas:
🪜 1. Respect the Course of
FJs: Give FPs time. Allow them to course of. If they are saying, “I must suppose,” belief that they’ll come again.FPs: Let FJs know you’re pondering. A easy “I care about this and need to speak quickly” can maintain them from spiraling.
🪜 2. Don’t Assume Motives
FPs: That Fe harmony-seeking isn’t pretend. It’s really a really actual type of generosity. They flip up and down totally different elements of themselves as a way to present folks they care about them. It’s like deciding to not play peppy, feel-good music at a funeral. It’s understanding which elements of yourselves are or aren’t acceptable for the given state of affairs.FJs: That Fi “coldness” and individualism isn’t selfishness. These folks will combat for the underdogs and for you, they simply aren’t going to indicate a sense that doesn’t match up with what they’re really feeling.
🪜 3. Reward Good
FJs: Praise their integrity, their truthfulness, their loyalty to their values.FPs: Don’t neglect to say the great belongings you suppose. Your FJ pal wants to listen to it to really feel it’s actual.
🪜 4. Share Vocabulary
Speak about what phrases like “genuine,” “sort,” “proper,” and “caring” imply to you. You’ll be amazed at how totally different your definitions are—and the way a lot that clears up as soon as it’s named.
🪜 5. Use Humor
Actually? Snigger about it. Acknowledge the bizarre misfires. “Oh look, I’m Fe-ing in every single place once more,” or “Sorry, I needed to go disappear into the woods for a bit and really feel issues.” Make it secure to mess up.
🪜 6. Maintain House for Progress
Keep in mind: FJs develop by creating inside judgment (Ti), and FPs develop by studying to behave on their values (Te). You may really assist one another mature in case you cease treating the opposite’s means as “mistaken” and begin seeing it as a lacking puzzle piece.
🪜 7. Let Every Different Be Bizarre
Since you each are. In your personal superbly honest, emotionally complicated methods. And that’s a part of the magic.
What Do you Suppose?
Have you ever skilled these clashes? Do you’ve any ideas or insights to share? Allow us to and different readers know within the feedback!
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